For Joan Rivers, no joke was off-limits. Her irreverent and unapologetic humour took aim at other celebrities, her husband’s suicide, life, and certainly herself.
Joan Rivers’s Sharpest One-liners
“I blame my mother for my poor sex life. All she told me was ‘The man goes on top and the woman underneath’. For three years my husband and I slept in bunk beds.”
“I don’t exercise. If God had wanted me to bend over, he would have put diamonds on the floor.”
“People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.”
“I’ve had so much plastic surgery, when I die, they will donate my body to Tupperware.”
“I am definitely going to watch the Emmys this year! My make-up team is nominated for best special effects.”‘
“When a man has a birthday, he takes a day off. When a woman has a birthday, she takes at least three years off.”
“You know why I feel older? I went to buy sexy underwear and they automatically gift wrapped it.”
“At my age, an affair of the heart is a bypass.”
“Boy George is all England needs – another queen who can’t dress.”
“My daughter and I are very close, we speak every single day and I call her every day and I say the same thing, ‘Pick up, I know you’re there’.”
I have become my own version of an optimist. If I can’t make it through one door, I’ll go through another door or I’ll make a door. Something terrific will come no matter how dark the present.
I enjoy life when things are happening. I don’t care if it’s good things or bad things. That means you’re alive.
I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
I must admit I am nervous about getting Alzheimer’s. Once it hits, I might tell my best joke and never know it.
Look, nobody is 100 per cent happy. I’m 93 per cent happy, which means that I am very lucky. I think anyone who gets to even 60 per cent should be glad.